Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Measurements must be extremely precise, and therefore it is not uncommon to see a particularly devoted cereal chef inspecting each piece individually to ensure that their cereal is not contaminated with a less-than-flawless spoonful. (Credit: Andrew Schwartz [a reluctant participant in this article])

The process of creating edible food can be daunting to a large portion of humanity. After all, you need to gather ingredients, mix them together, and somehow make sure the result isn’t falling apart, completely inedible or burned to a husk of its former self. How anyone can have such a high expectation for a single human is a mystery, but I’m here to explain the more manageable aspects of ensuring you don’t starve when you eventually strike out on your own and forsake access to your mom’s pre-packed macaroni (I’m looking at you, Dad).

The first step is stocking up on materials. After all, the last thing you want is to go home and decide upon cooking something, only to find that all of your cabinets are depressingly empty. You should ideally be visiting the supermarket and stocking up for the week with pasta, cereal, milk, Ramen noodles, and other essentials that require little preparation and offer a useful smidgen of nutritional value. Humans have been using these diets for decades and only rarely contract scurvy, so it’s probably fine.

The next step is mixing the ingredients. This is a fickle process that should be treated with great attention to detail. You’re probably safe with going with cereal as your main dish; however, there are still many factors to be considered. For example, how will you prepare? What size, shape and color is your bowl? Is your spoon too large or too small? How much milk are you planning to use? To get precise measurements, you should ideally be using a measuring cup for your cereal and milk and consulting various online sources to make sure you’re being smart about things.

The next step is the most technical, and you should be very cautious in your application of it; this is the moment when you must actually pour in the cereal, which should fill exactly three-quarters of your bowl. I would suggest a cereal like Froot Loops or Cinnamon Toast Crunch—something with a nice, sugary flavor that’s still extremely healthy for you. (Don’t read the Nutrition Facts. They’re lying to you.) This step requires extreme concentration, because if you pour the cereal too fast, it will spill over the sides and skitter chaotically across the table, causing an inevitable chain of events that will result in your mother sending you to your room. Don’t worry; this doesn’t happen often, but it’s good to be prepared in the event of an emergency.

Once you have successfully filled your bowl with cereal, you must pour in the milk. This is the most expert step of the operation. If you’re anything like me, you’ll probably need to request the assistance of a trusted adult to pour the milk, as it requires a great amount of strength and caution not to let the liquid slop over the sides of the bowl. Now, remember: If you pour too little milk, your cereal will be tooth-breakingly dry, but if you pour in too much, it will be intolerably soggy. The goal is not to drown your cereal, nor to leave it in a drought, but to healthily hydrate it, like a woman in a Neutrogena commercial.

Once you have mastered these steps, you may enjoy the beauty of a crunchy piece of pure sugar whenever you desire. Enjoy your professionally cooked meal; you’ve worked hard for it!

By Brooke Schwartz



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